Arranged Marriage I

Chris: So you're telling me that you would, in theory, just marry some random girl that your parents happened to find?

Vikram: Its not that simple. There are several criteria which must be passed in order for my parents to deem a girl worthy of consideration. In addition to being beautiful, the girl would have to come from a good family, be educated at a top institution, have an interesting talent such as classical Indian music, dance, be ambitious but still put her family first, and willing to relocate wherever I am. She would need to match my race, caste, preferably sub-caste, and our horoscopes would have to be compatible as well.

Chris: ...that sounds more gruelling than the college application process. Do they have a swimsuit round too? (and can I come?)

Vikram: Well that's in theory. Progressive families are willing to look past horoscopes and caste on a case-by-case basis.

Chris: ... horoscopes are dumb.

Vikram: Some parents are quite open minded, and with globalization there are lot of cross-cultural marriages. Arranged marriage is an evolving, albeit slowly, system. Like any other mating system, its driven by the fundamental need to propagate genes. It has consistently adapted to stay competitive with the other systems out there in terms of finding a healthy and suitable mate with high probability of success in producing offspring.

Chris: It doesn't sound like its keeping up with the times though. What do gay Indian people do? Does the system allow for that?

Vikram: Not yet. But you have to put the system today in perspective. There was a time when infants would be committed to each other by their parents purely for socio-political purposes. The age of the child at which this happened gradually increased. Eventually the children started getting some input about the suitability of the mate. This level of arranged marriage still exists, although less prevalent now. The parents of the potential bride and groom will meet and discuss their family history, background, compatibility etc. The bride and groom get to see each other in the presence of their families. Each then gives their impressions to their family, and the heads of the two households (generally the fathers) will conclude the negotiations based on these events and input from the members of their family. The first Prime Minister of India famously said "We don't marry the people we love. We love the people we marry", to the British woman he was having an affair with.

Today, in the most families, arranged marriage is much more open. The parents still conduct the initial search and screening of candidates, but the girl and guy can meet alone a few times before deciding. In our still sexist society, guys get veto rights more often than girls do, but the prevalence of veto rights is quite high by this point. In the very progressive families, the girl and guy can also date casually for a while before making any formal commitments. Many people consider the engagement as the start of a dating period which lasts for anywhere between a week to a year - in which the couple can decide to back out if it doesn't work.

Chris: I still have trouble stomaching the idea that my parents would choose who I date. Individuality and freedom is the foundation of American society. For better or worse, its also the foundation of teenage rebellion against their parents especially surrounding issues of romance.

Vikram: But internet dating is socially accepted these days right? It has many striking resemblances to arranged marriage. Imagine if your parents were helping you choose who to hit on based on their internet profile on the online dating or social networking website of your choosing. You have to look at the candidate's picture. You might try to look for girls who are from your home town, who like the same TV as you do, and so on. Maybe you look at who they hang out with to figure out if they're "cool". This is the same idea behind arranged marriage, except you're using the social network of parents instead of the social network on facebook. Granted, information can get biased in the game of telephone and you might have one too many nosy neighbors all up in your business, but for a system invented centuries before computers, it works alright. Doesn't it make sense to trust your parents more than facebook when it comes to your privacy and best-interests?

Chris: Hah. Well *I* don't believe in internet dating or even looking for girls on the internet, that's just creepy. But I guess what your'e saying is that arranged marriage today is basically a dating service run by your parents. What about the time constraints and the added social pressures? You might end up dating the family instead of the person.

Vikram: Admittedly that does happen to some extent. While modern parents may try their best to stay out of the way and let the relationship be limited to the couple, the fact that the parents are searching and filtering unavoidably puts a little extra pressure on the situation. I might think "if I get rejected by girl #3, my parents are going to be so disappointed in me" or "if i reject girl #3, my parents are going to get tired of this search soon". The bright side of the added social pressure is that there is much more accountability in the relationship. It is much less likely for a guy to be ungentlemanly toward the girl, or for either to "play with feelings" so to speak.

Chris: I think its probably more efficient to have help in pre-screening the global pool of potential mates as in arranged marriage and online dating services, but what about love? You miss the chance to fall in love during your trip to Paris, or meet that special someone walking down the street on a Sunday afternoon. Or..that girl you hooked up with that one night.

Vikram: In India we actually call that sort of marriage a "love marriage", and while less common it is being accepted more and more. Sometimes there is a hybrid of the two types of marriage where the guy and the girl will fall in love but their families have to approve of the marriage in order for it to happen. And of course you have some couples that elope when their families don't agree etc - makes life interesting. And lets be honest, is a marriage more likely to last if the foundation is a passing infatuation in a coffee shop or some "shawty in da club", or does it show more promise if based on research that shows compatible backgrounds and similar life experiences? Its (almost) Science!